My Religion

I was raised a Roman Catholic.  I went to church regularly with my mom and siblings.  My dad went through a religious "phase" so to speak, went to church for about 2 years, then changed his mind about the whole religion thing.

The whole time I was growing up, I always tried to FEEL what it was that the devout folk around me felt.  But all I ended up feeling was a sense that I was letting down those around me by not feeling whatever it was that they felt. I felt guilt for failing to follow the perfect example of Jesus, and by screwing up.  I felt limited in my decisions and friends, and limited in what I could or couldn't do or be. I never really felt happy, but continued to go to church under the assumption that one day, I would find this "feeling" that everyone else seemed to get.  I also sang in the choir, and happened to be decent at it, so I got a lot of positive attention and happy emotions from that, but that was about it.

When I went off to college, I continued going to church.  I went to the little catholic church, though I never quite felt as though I fit in.  Everyone was nice, but ultimately I felt fake being there.  I kept going in hopes, again, of finding whatever it was that everyone else felt.  I had long conversations, read books, joined groups, and generally tried to learn as much as I could about the church, the beliefs, and the bible (though it wasn't an all-consuming thing).  I would say that religion and the church even helped me out of the depression I had.  Right after college, I was even married in the church, (though in hindsight, one should never walk down the aisle with doubts like, "if it doesn't work I guess I can always divorce him").

When I left my college town, I moved to Austin, a newly wed, and we found a church, though we went through about 5 of them before I found one that was reasonably comfortable.  Regardless, I still didn't really feel right in church, but I continued to believe that church was "good for me."  I didn't (don't, I guess) agree with the stances on women's roles, birth control, and the whole abuse scandals.  I didn't feel right contributing financially to a church that was paying out lawsuits (though from the sounds of it, the church has a fairly decent chunk of real estate investments that they used to pay out the suits).

I began volunteering for the fire department.  After conversations with a few individuals there, I realized the source of my discomfort with the church was in my concept of the role of religion in my life. Simply stated, I had, for a long time, believed that to be a good person, one must go to church.  And, as someone who wanted to be a "good person," I kept going to church.  I had surrounded myself with people who went to church, and they were all good people, and those who I knew from school or sports, etc., who were "bad people"- got into trouble, etc., didn't really go to church, or pray, or anything like that.

I know it sounds incredibly simplistic, but I was sheltered, and brought up in an environment where church DID mean you were a better person than those who didn't go to church.  Once I started working in public safety, I found many a good person who didn't go to church.  And with that, my whole view on religion changed.

So I stopped going to church.  And I finally felt free to find... well, ME.  I didn't feel constrained to the "rules" of right and wrong.  I could openly support gay friends, I could express my opinions without fear of offending someone and then feeling guilty about offending them (and not being "nice").  It let me open my own mind up and experience things that I would have before felt guilt about.  I took a vacation to Spain and Portugal, I spent a few bucks on myself every now and then, I got a new car, and I became confident in who I am, not who the church said I should be (or shouldn't be).  As I predicted for myself, I did end up divorced.  But in the wake of finding myself, I found someone who I love.  We got married and have an amazing little girl.

I now consider myself agnostic.  I do miss church, but only for the community environment.  My mom has more friends thanks to going to church than I ever will.  I have actually considered going to church again, just for the community.  But I don't think that will happen...

What I never felt that others seemed to feel was faith.  I do not have faith that the bible is truth.  Well, let me say this:  I do know that we can empirically prove that there was a guy named Jesus who walked this earth 2000 or so years ago.  We know that he was a decent guy, and that he was put to death.  I get that.  What we can't prove is that Mary was a virgin, that Jesus was conceived immaculately, and that he was the "only son of God."  While Jesus was a good example of a decent human being, no sort of evidence points to the presence or absence of a "god."  This is why no amount of discussion regarding the bible, Jesus, or religion will land me back in a church.  I consider the concept regularly, especially when gazing up at the stars, or looking into the eyes of my beautiful girl.

I know there is something out there bigger than me.  But rather than dwell on what it is, what the nature of it is, if there's a heaven, or hell, or afterlife at all, I prefer to simply look up at the universe around me and see the amazing stuff around us.  I prefer to be a good person, because it's what feels good to me, and what is right for the world.  Not because I will go to hell if I'm not a good person.

Which leads me to why I'm writing today anyway.  A new pope was elected.  He's different from any of the other popes that have been elected- he's a Jesuit, from South America, and he took the name Francis.  I can't help but think of my (still) favorite prayer, because I think it is a beautiful reflection of how we should behave as humans- religious or not:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

Test!

Testing the mobile blog application. Does it work?

OMG...

I'm not the type to blog about things like this, but I think both sides of this lawsuit are just absurd...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/08/08/osteen.trial.resumes.ap/index.html

Confidence...

So it seems as though my confidence in what I am capable of seems to grow and dwindle depending on the circumstances. Lately, the confidence pendulum has been on the upswing.

I have run a few calls that have gone well, where I just felt like I had the whole call management thing figured out.

I've regained my interest in firefighting activities again. I have a Lt that I like to work with, I finally found some interest in the DPO stuff I'm doing, and I decided to try out the physical agility course that they put together for the most recent hiring process, and i completed it successfully, including the part where you have to drag the 165-lb dummy 100 ft. I knew that once I got a good grip and stood up with it that I would be able to complete it, but it was tough (I had some great people encouraging me along the way though!. I did discover that a 24 foot extension ladder feels like it weighs approximately nothing after the dummy drag. The passing time was 5:33, and my time was 4:59. I was pretty pumped.

So it made me feel really good about myself. It wasn't the worst time out of the group, and there were several people who didn't pass at all. So when I saw those individuals fail, and saw what time it took others to complete the course, I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. I really have never tested myself to see just how much I can lift or how far I can go or what I can do, so it was kind of nice to see that I could get through it. I guess I should give myself a little more credit.

Oh not to mention that the rest of my life is good. Happy home life, happy work life, happy play life. Life is just good.

Beliefs

I've been working on this post in my head for a long time. The last post I made about anything religious was over a year ago, in my old blog.

I've taken some time to work on figuring out what it is that I think, feel, and believe. Here's what I've found so far.

1. There's something out there greater than me. Bigger than me. Bigger than everything, or at least bigger than anything science can come up with. This something is what religion likes to call God.
2. This something is the reason I'm here, and is the reason everything is here. There's enough science out there that we have a reasonably good idea of where the earth came from, and how we likely made it out of a puddle of primoridal ooze. But something had to put the energy and gasses there in the first place so that the big bang could happen.
3. There are many things on this earth that simply cannot be explained by science. The ability for memory, complex thought, reasoning, logic, etc.- I don't understand that, and it's unlikely that my own brain will ever be able to fully understand it's function. Also, the concept of innate habits- crying, nursing- things that babies somehow know how to do when they're born. That something is responsible.
4. That something wants us to be happy. It's placed us here on earth, with so many amazing and wonderful things, and it wants us to enjoy and experience them. The goal, then, in life, is to find happiness, and to live it. Also to experience all the things on Earth that we can.
5. Morals and values: It's important to do the right thing- not because someone or some religion or some religious character has told me to do so, but simply because it's the right thing to do for myself and my fellow earthmates. Humans, animals, etc.-- it's rewarding and leads to further happiness.
6. Life after death? Couldn't tell you. Seems like there should be more out there- 70 years, though it seems like a long time, isn't really all that long.

Organized religion: It's a box. Someone telling me that I have to follow these commandments because I won't get into heaven if I don't. It's important to be nice to other people- but for the sake of being nice to them, and it's what I would expect if the roles were reversed. Not because it's what "Jesus would do."

I'm not trying to suggest that people who follow organized religion are wrong- just that they're forced to think inside a box. Organized religions have very strict rules as to beliefs and behaviors, and sometimes there are situations where those absolutes just don't work. I'm not denying the existence of any of the prophets looked to in other religions (Jesus, Muhammad, etc.)- they all seem to have the same idea- Be nice and be happy! Just trying to take a more global approach to religion.

So what I guess I've come up with is, yes, I believe in some concept of a God. I believe that the goal in life is finding happiness, sharing that happiness, and experiencing all that exists on earth. I believe in being honest, kind, respectful of everything, and doing what's right because it's the right thing to do. Show some love, and you'll get some back.

Why so stressed?

I've been feeling distinctly fallible this past week. Read on...

This whole hormone cycle thing is really odd, especially the way my mind deals with it. I feel like the first week of each cycle (remember from A&P, day one is when the bleeding starts) is great mentally. I have great focus, great abilty to get things done. Any studying that needs to be done I can get done. I'm able to set my mind to things and get them done. The second week there may or may not be any differing effects, the week after that is bad too, and the week right before my period I can't focus on anything, not to mention the fact that I'm moody (generally in a negative way), I cry a lot, stress wears on me more easily...

Monthly it seems to hit with varying degrees of difficulty- some months my "bad week" isn't as bad as other months.

This month (the past week), my emotions have been awful. Not one, but two melt downs. Complete inability to self-motivate, complete inabilty to maintain any kind of confidence, and complete inability to focus on ANYTHING. It's so predictable... i wish there were something I could do about it... my life would be so much easier if my emotional status from week 1 maintained throughout the month...

It's no wonder the latin root "hyster-" as in hysterectomy, is the same root found in "hysterical" or "hysteria." The damned uterus makes women looney...

Holidays

For the past several years, the holidays haven't meant much to me. It's been nice because I've gotten to see family, but that's really about it.

I think the last time I really enjoyed Christmas was in high school, or maybe my freshman year in college. Since then it just hasn't been the same.

I think this year will be different, but not back to what it was. I feel like I'm in a better place. The seasonal feeling of depression hasn't hit like it did in the past. I'm actually motivated to make cookies, and look for Christmas decorations, and hang ornaments on a tree. Christmas music doesn't make me want to vomit (for the most part). I'd say that's progress...

But this year, I'm on my own. Tonight (that would be Thanksgiving), I'm working. I've never had to work on thanksgiving before. It didn't occur to me that it would be a big deal until this morning. I realized it was thanksgiving, and I was watching the Macy's parade by myself. I felt very alone. I wasn't cooking, or helping cook. So I took a nap and had bad dreams. I woke up, and went to the fire dept. to eat turkey with my pseudofamily, but it wasn't the same. And when I left, I felt very alone, and upset, because the "after-thanksgiving-meal" family time that I'm used to didn't happen. It kinda sucks...

So, in short, today is a downer day.