My Religion

I was raised a Roman Catholic.  I went to church regularly with my mom and siblings.  My dad went through a religious "phase" so to speak, went to church for about 2 years, then changed his mind about the whole religion thing.

The whole time I was growing up, I always tried to FEEL what it was that the devout folk around me felt.  But all I ended up feeling was a sense that I was letting down those around me by not feeling whatever it was that they felt. I felt guilt for failing to follow the perfect example of Jesus, and by screwing up.  I felt limited in my decisions and friends, and limited in what I could or couldn't do or be. I never really felt happy, but continued to go to church under the assumption that one day, I would find this "feeling" that everyone else seemed to get.  I also sang in the choir, and happened to be decent at it, so I got a lot of positive attention and happy emotions from that, but that was about it.

When I went off to college, I continued going to church.  I went to the little catholic church, though I never quite felt as though I fit in.  Everyone was nice, but ultimately I felt fake being there.  I kept going in hopes, again, of finding whatever it was that everyone else felt.  I had long conversations, read books, joined groups, and generally tried to learn as much as I could about the church, the beliefs, and the bible (though it wasn't an all-consuming thing).  I would say that religion and the church even helped me out of the depression I had.  Right after college, I was even married in the church, (though in hindsight, one should never walk down the aisle with doubts like, "if it doesn't work I guess I can always divorce him").

When I left my college town, I moved to Austin, a newly wed, and we found a church, though we went through about 5 of them before I found one that was reasonably comfortable.  Regardless, I still didn't really feel right in church, but I continued to believe that church was "good for me."  I didn't (don't, I guess) agree with the stances on women's roles, birth control, and the whole abuse scandals.  I didn't feel right contributing financially to a church that was paying out lawsuits (though from the sounds of it, the church has a fairly decent chunk of real estate investments that they used to pay out the suits).

I began volunteering for the fire department.  After conversations with a few individuals there, I realized the source of my discomfort with the church was in my concept of the role of religion in my life. Simply stated, I had, for a long time, believed that to be a good person, one must go to church.  And, as someone who wanted to be a "good person," I kept going to church.  I had surrounded myself with people who went to church, and they were all good people, and those who I knew from school or sports, etc., who were "bad people"- got into trouble, etc., didn't really go to church, or pray, or anything like that.

I know it sounds incredibly simplistic, but I was sheltered, and brought up in an environment where church DID mean you were a better person than those who didn't go to church.  Once I started working in public safety, I found many a good person who didn't go to church.  And with that, my whole view on religion changed.

So I stopped going to church.  And I finally felt free to find... well, ME.  I didn't feel constrained to the "rules" of right and wrong.  I could openly support gay friends, I could express my opinions without fear of offending someone and then feeling guilty about offending them (and not being "nice").  It let me open my own mind up and experience things that I would have before felt guilt about.  I took a vacation to Spain and Portugal, I spent a few bucks on myself every now and then, I got a new car, and I became confident in who I am, not who the church said I should be (or shouldn't be).  As I predicted for myself, I did end up divorced.  But in the wake of finding myself, I found someone who I love.  We got married and have an amazing little girl.

I now consider myself agnostic.  I do miss church, but only for the community environment.  My mom has more friends thanks to going to church than I ever will.  I have actually considered going to church again, just for the community.  But I don't think that will happen...

What I never felt that others seemed to feel was faith.  I do not have faith that the bible is truth.  Well, let me say this:  I do know that we can empirically prove that there was a guy named Jesus who walked this earth 2000 or so years ago.  We know that he was a decent guy, and that he was put to death.  I get that.  What we can't prove is that Mary was a virgin, that Jesus was conceived immaculately, and that he was the "only son of God."  While Jesus was a good example of a decent human being, no sort of evidence points to the presence or absence of a "god."  This is why no amount of discussion regarding the bible, Jesus, or religion will land me back in a church.  I consider the concept regularly, especially when gazing up at the stars, or looking into the eyes of my beautiful girl.

I know there is something out there bigger than me.  But rather than dwell on what it is, what the nature of it is, if there's a heaven, or hell, or afterlife at all, I prefer to simply look up at the universe around me and see the amazing stuff around us.  I prefer to be a good person, because it's what feels good to me, and what is right for the world.  Not because I will go to hell if I'm not a good person.

Which leads me to why I'm writing today anyway.  A new pope was elected.  He's different from any of the other popes that have been elected- he's a Jesuit, from South America, and he took the name Francis.  I can't help but think of my (still) favorite prayer, because I think it is a beautiful reflection of how we should behave as humans- religious or not:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.